


The Road to a Forever Without You

by OofBoost



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depressed Keith (Voltron), Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Sad Keith (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 19:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17007825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OofBoost/pseuds/OofBoost
Summary: He can hear footsteps rushing down the hall as his hearing is all that's left. It's not much, but it's enough. He knows they're coming and the pit inside his stomach it telling him- commanding him to panic and clean up or finish the job. But, the familiar love from the pain soothes him properly. He hadn't a need to worry. The job was already done.-/-Lance has been far too oblivious for his own good and Keith's just about had enough of it. He can stand up but what happens when he's pushed back down?





	The Road to a Forever Without You

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING:  
> This work does include implied self-harm, suicide, and major character(s?) death. If any of these are not to your liking then I recommend you exit out of this work.
> 
> Song Included:  
> "Welcome to the Black Parade" - My Chemical Romance

If you asked Lance the amount of times he regretted hitting on Allura, he would say every.

  
If you asked Shiro the amount of times he regretted scolding Lance for those times, he would say none.

  
_"He must have known what he was doing. But Keith..."_ He would sigh out and bow his head with shame At this point the shame had varied on who it was for. He'd shake his head and then walk away, not wanting to take part in the conversation any longer.

  
If you asked Pidge anything about Keith, you would be able to see the feelings of anger mix with sadness bubble up inside but pushed away by a forced awkward chuckle to change the conversation on to something more pleasing.

  
Hunk's reaction was the most subtle and perhaps that's what made it the worst. He wouldn't respond, or give any indication he'd heard you. He would simply just continue with what he was doing as if nothing had been said and nothing happened.

  
Allura and Coran still didn't fully understand humans in general and the situation didn't help at all. With the limited amount of knowledge they held and understood they would give you a solemn and confused look.

  
Most nights you would see Lance in Keith's room. He wouldn't be doing anything in particular. He simply sat on the now empty bed with hallowed out eyes he'd never forgive. He couldn't sleep and typically wouldn't until his body gave out on him. Eating became a forgotten memory that was only inconvenient. The others had to remind him and then he'd remind himself that all of this, was his fault.

 

* * *

 

"Hey, Keith!" Hunk called happily as he saw the red paladin walk in to the dining hall.

  
"Hey." Keith replied blandly as he yawned and took a seat.

  
"Late night? You missed breakfast again." Pidge adds in and assists Hunk with cleaning up the few plates left over.

  
"Yeah, you could say that." Keith scoffs, "I was getting a few moves down and helping Allura and Coran set up medical tools for us _humans_."

  
This earned a smile from both the green and yellow paladins as Keith's face stayed neutral. Hunk left for a hot second and came back to slide a bowl of space goo to his friend. Keith verbalized his thanks and went on to eat the food before him. His movements were slow as most of his energy was going in to his thoughts. Only after a few bites he gave up on the idea of eating since he started to feel sick. He stood up and headed to the kitchen to clean off his bowl. Hunk and Pidge were in there talking and took note to Keith nearly untouched bowl.

  
"You good? You barely ate?" Pidge questions with a voice laced of concern. There was far too much concern in that voice that was deemed healthy for someone at that small size.

  
"I'm fine. I'm just _exhausted_ from last night." Keith emphasizes before setting his place down to its designed place. The silence forces him to realize his mistake of wording. He turned around with a playfully annoyed look at the duo and began his protest, "That's not what-"

  
" _Exhausted_ , huh? You hear that, Hunk? He's exhausted. From last night." Pidge elbows Hunk as the two burst out in to laughter.

  
"You two are children. Absolute children. You know that, right?" Keith points a weirdly shaped Altean brush he was using to clean his bowl to point at them before sighing and putting it away.

  
"Why are we teasing Keith this time?" Lance asked slightly confused but mostly interested as he walks in to the kitchen and heads to the fridge for a water pouch.

  
"We're _not_." Keith argues and shoots a glare at the duo who held up there hands in a defense of innocence that Keith rolls his eyes at.

  
"Hey dropout, looks like you got ran over by a bus. What happened?" Lance questions Keith's appearance as he takes a sip from his water pouch and leans against a wall nearby. He's far too sly for Keith to be comfortable.

  
"Late night. Where have you been?" Keith doesn't bother going in to detail. It's not like Lance would want to hear it anyways. Keith just asked about the one thing he loves most; himself.

  
"I got a few steps closer to Allura. I think we're getting somewhere." Lance shoots a flirtatious look all around to emphasize his attraction to the Altean, as if everyone wasn't already aware.

  
"Good for you, Lance." Keith deadpans but Lance doesn't bother acknowledging his response, he's too far inside his own mind. He's just so oblivious that it pains Keith. He doesn't want to have to deal with this nonsense any longer, "I'm gonna go take a shower."

  
He pushes off the counter he was leaning against and goes to leave the kitchen. He hears farewells from Pidge and Hunk but ignores them. There's nothing from Lance as Keith knows he truly doesn't care. Then again, why would he? Keith didn't care about himself, so why should Lance?

  
Keith slowly manages his way to his room. It's so bland and white that he fearfully reminds him of himself. He's become numb to this realization and pushes it away. If he had no significance then why should his feelings have any? The odd rules he's manifested inside his mind cease to make sense, but then again, when did they ever? He was _Keith Kogane_. Nothing he did made sense.

  
_"When I was a young boy,_   
_My Father took me into the city,_   
_To see a marching band."_

  
Keith made his way to his bathroom and made sure the automatic door closed without malfunction. He gripped the edges of the sink and bowed his head, rocking back and forth to calm his nerves. He straightens himself and looks back up at his reflection. He hates it. God, he hates it. So does Lance, right? Keith feels stupid for think he could handle these _stupid_ emotions inside of him. He feel stupid for thinking Lance could help. He feels stupid for having hope. Lance likes Allura. Allura doesn't like Lance. Keith likes Lance. Lance doesn't like Keith. The process was as simple as that and would stay that way forever. So why was it so difficult for Keith to accept that?

  
_"He said, 'Son, when you grow up,_   
_Would you be the savior of the broken,_   
_The beaten, and the damned?'"_

  
Keith shakes his head before numbly striping his body of his clothes. He maneuvers his way to the shower and slowly turn the knob to the left. At first the water is freezing cold but Keith can't find the energy to flinch or pain against his skin. He's become so emotionally numb that it's starting to wear off on his body. He decides to keep the water at a slightly colder warm than the typical comforting heat he goes for. He favoring the chilling temperature brushing against his skin as it starts to wake him up inside but calm him to nothing all at once. All he can do is stand with his eyes closed and head back and feel as the spike of water strike him kindly.

  
_"He said, 'Will you defeat them,_   
_Your demons and all the non-believers?_   
_The plans that they have made?"_

  
Once Keith feels content enough and knows he should actually begin cleansing himself he opens his eyes. Instead of landing his visual to the soap he lands on something else. The blade beside the soap that's typically used for shaving. It's shinning glare and dancing silver tone begins to mock him of all the pleasure he once felt. He's far too impulsive for his own good. Without another thought he grabs the blade and hover it only centimeters away from his forearm. He pauses for a moment to hesitate because _is he really this impulsive?_ He sighs and answer the question as the metal touches his flavored skin.

  
_"Because one day I'll leave you,_   
_A phantom to lead you in the summer,_   
_To join the black parade."_

 

* * *

 

  
Keith sits softly on his bed with the most numb expression he's had in a while. He wraps a bandage around his wrist slowly as his mind is once again in another place. Once he's content with his job he reaches behind him for his jacket and begins to slip it on. As he's almost got it completely on his eyes notices the presence in his doorway. How could he have been so blind? So unobservant?

  
"Keith...?" Pidge starts a question as Keith catches the attention change from Keith's eyes to his wrists and back up. Keith rushes to put the rest of his jacket on but doesn't move. He's frozen without knowledge of how to react in the moment. He wants to process this and come up with a plan but his mind just _won't work_ , "Are those-...Keith, did you-..." Pidge struggles to find the right words without alarming Keith.

  
Keith lets out a frustrated and hopeless sigh as he rubs his hands over his face, as if it would refresh any moment of his life. He returns his attention to Pidge and shakes his head, "God damnit, Pidge." He whispers before standing up and walking over to be closer, "Come on, you're coming in here and I'm closing this."

  
Keith insists throughout his statements as he urges Pidge in to the room and ensures once again that the automatic door closes with no malfunction. He turns around and takes a deep breath before speaking. This would be a large conversation and he's got far too many thoughts to collect at once.

  
"Listen- I don't- I didn't-" Keith sighs again, not knowing how to start this, "I'm fine. It was one time and I haven't done it in forever." Keith attempts his plead.

  
"Keith, that's called a relapse. That doesn't make it better." Pidge argues with his statement and emotions he emitted.

  
"God!" Keith exclaims as he rubs his hands over his face again and sways his body for a moment to express his frustration. He holds his arms around like people do when explaining something complicated, "Alright, alright. Definitions, definitions. Listen, just don't tell anyone. There's really no need to if it was just one time and won't happen again. Ok?"

  
Pidge looks at him with concern and confusion. Keith can tell there's confusion as to why he would treat himself like this, if only everyone knew, if only everyone knew. Pidge slowly walks towards Keith and stops in front of him, "Pidge, what are you-" He watches as Pidge grabs for his arms and slowly begins to lift the sleeve, "Pidge, I wouldn't-" Keith sighs but lets the actions continue.

  
Keith looks away slightly and bites his lip as if it would stop the overflowing emotions he was feeling. He just shook his head as Pidge pulled his sleeve up all the way and began to unwrap the bandage. He wanted to stop the green paladin, he really did. But his body had grown far too frozen for him to do anything but stand and endure.

  
Pidge inspected the cuts and deemed them clean and at no risk of infection. The shorter of the two rewrapped the cuts in a more gentle manner before slowly pulling Keith's sleeve back down. A step was taken back for a moment and the attention was now on Keith, but he still refused to look at the green paladin.

  
"Why would you do something like that to yourself?" Pidge questioned his actions.

  
"It's nothing-" Keith can't even continue before Pidge interrupts.

  
"No, it's _something_ , Keith. Why would you do that?" Pidge's voice raises slightly.

  
"You're like family to me, Pidge. You truly are. But, I _don't_ want to have this conversation with you." Keith pleads as his attentions turns back to respectfully watch.

  
"We're having this conversation, Keith. Just tell me why you did it. Did someone tell you? Are you feeling numb? Attention?" Pidge had suggested. For most of them Keith just shook his head with a held back scoff. Once the attention was mentioned he blew up.

  
"What?! Why would I hide it if I wanted it for attention?! I'm _not_ doing it for attention, Pidge!" Keith is obviously offended by the accusation.

  
"Then tell me, Keith! Tell me why!" Pidge shouts back and truly didn't mean to get this worked up over it but things can't truly plan out perfectly.

  
"I don't know! Ok? I don't know! I just- I've got all this shit bottling up inside me and- and I don't know what the hell to do with it!" Keith starts shouting back. The two are too busy arguing to worry if anyone can hear them.

  
"How would hurting yourself help?!" Pidge questions his actions once again as if it should be obvious to Keith that this wasn't right and wouldn't change a thing.

  
"Because it hurts, Pidge! It hurts!" Keith had yelled out loud, louder than before. He sighs and rubs his hands over his face again before trying again with a much calmer voice, "I can't focus on anything else which means I don't have to feel this way anymore."

  
Pidge is quiet for a moment and attempts placing pieces together. Pidge is just too damn smart compared to the red paladin and Keith knows this. He also knows the next words that come out of Pidge's mouth won't be to his liking.

  
"Is..." Pidge thought for a small moment, "Is this because of you and Lance?" There was now intense staring to make sense of things.

  
"What? Why would you-"

  
"You left literally right after Lance came in. You changed when he was with us. It's because of Lance, isn't it?" Pidge wants clarification towards the accusations being made and even if they were correct, Keith wasn't going to admit it.

  
"Listen, Pidge-" Keith tries reasoning but it's no use.

  
"It is." Pidge whispers and Keith realizes he can't lie any longer. He's reached his limit and he can't push any further. He doesn't like it but it's true. Keith hangs his head low and shakes it with regret of the conversation, "He's just being an oblivious asshole. He doesn't listen to anyone when they say Allura's not interested. You don't need to do this to yourself."

  
"I do, Pidge. I _do_." Keith argues, "It was just one time. A lot of overflowing and I reached a breaking point, it happens to everyone and it's nothing-"

  
"When?" Pidge interrupts and Keith's really starting to get sick of it.

  
"When what?"

  
"What was the last time you did it?" Pidge demands answers. For a moment Keith considers lying but quickly doesn't see the point. Pidge is far too observant and would know if he was telling the truth or not.

  
"3 months ago." Keith hesitantly responds and Pidge feels as if breathing was suddenly difficult for a moment.

  
"Keith-" Pidge starts but it's Keith's turn to interrupt.

  
"Please, Pidge. Can we talk about this later? That's all I ask." Keith pleads.

  
Pidge's mouth opens to protest but is deemed useless because it's obvious Keith wouldn't be telling any more. A nod is the only response. Keith moves to the side so there's access to leave. The green paladin begins to leave but stops for a second to look at Keith, who has his head hung low not looking anywhere but the floor. Pidge's head shakes before leaving, listening to the door close. All Pidge can do is stand in front of the closed door for a moment and think a single thought.

  
_'Lance, you really messed up, buddy.'_

 

* * *

 

"Lance, _please_ leave the Princess alone." Shiro begs Lance for what seems to be the millionth time. Lance pouts as a response.

  
"I'm bored!" Lance exclaims.

  
"We know, Lance." Pidge interrupts, not looking away from the screen being held.

  
"Lance," Keith was suddenly peering around the entrance to the lounge and grabbing the attention of the Cuban boy, "Can I talk to you?"

  
"Yeah, of course." Lance immediately nods and begins to get up to leave, "Don't miss me too much, Princess."

  
Lance gives his signature finger guns and wink but is only rewarded with a groan from Allura and eye rolls from the others. He mentally laughs it off before going to meet with Keith. The two face each other in the hallway just outside from the others as Lance stuffs his hands in his pockets and smiles.

  
"What's up?" Lance starts the conversation for the red paladin.

  
"As my right hand man to Voltron I felt like this was a conversation I needed to have with you." Keith explains before actually diving in to the conversation. He is professional about the way he speaks and presents himself, not a hint of awkwardness but only if you knew. Oh, only if you knew.

  
"Alright, shoot." Lance encourages.

  
"Considering you're such a flirt, I figured this would be right up your alley." Keith adds on.

  
"Ooh, does Keithy boy have a girl crush?" Lance teases the older but earn no reaction, Keith stays neutral.

  
"No." Keith deadpans.

  
"You're no fun." Lance pouts.

  
"Lance, _please_ pay attention." Keith begs with slight force.

  
"Fine, yeah, Ok. Focus. Attention. Got it." Lance nods, attempting to act his most mature but ultimately failing.

  
Keith sighs before composing himself, "I'm not- like, _interested_ in girls. At all." Keith attempts to explain but it's difficult when he refuses to show any emotions.

  
"So, like gay?" Lance questions. All Keith can do is nod. So far Lance will officially be the only person that knows and Keith still can't even admit the words to himself yet. This is a big step, "I mean, personally I think it's a kinda weird concept to grasp but I'm still your right hand man."

  
"Yeah, right hand man." Keith softly agrees. Within the awkward silence Lance _finally_ starts piecing the meaning of the conversation together and Keith can see it on his face and he regrets the conversation immediately.

  
"Wait- You're saying that-"

  
"Lance, no. Don't start."

  
"But, that means that-"

  
"Just forget it, Lance. Just forget it."

  
"You have-"

  
"Stop."

  
"Feelings-"

  
"Lance."

  
"For me..." Lance finishes off his sentence and realization and at this point Keith has given up. He sighs obviously frustrated before speaking out with his usual behavior.

  
"Great job, Sherlock. You caught me red-handed." Keith responds sarcastically and annoyed.

  
"Keith, I didn't mean-"

  
"You did. You did, Lance. Just, forget the whole thing, Ok? Pretend like we never had this conversation." Keith is far too embarrassed to continue and he simply just doesn't want to.

  
"What? No- We're gonna- I wanna have this conversation, Keith." Lance is almost offended that his teammate would wanna back out now when they've gotten this far in to the conversation.

  
"Well, I don't." Keith shoots back just a little too harsh.

  
"Then why did you bring it up?!" Lance is frustrated and raises his voice.

  
"Because I thought- I hoped you'd feel the same!" Keith changes from emotionless to anger in a matter of seconds as the two boys are just yelling at each other now.

  
"Well, I don't! Just, not in that way! How is that my fault? I'm normal, I don't like dudes." Lance argues back with Keith's attempted guilt trip he was assuming upon.

  
"Normal? So- What? Am I _not_ normal?" Keith scoffs with anger laced against the edges of his words.

  
"No! You're not, Keith! I'm sorry, Ok?! But, I don't think that's normal. Hell, none of us are normal! It's not a bad thing! Why can't you just respect that that's what I believe?!" Lance is also becoming hot with anger as the conversation continues.

  
"Because I just can't, Ok?!" Keith yells back, on the verge of stuttering.

  
"That's not fair to me, Keith! It's not! It's what I grew up knowing. It's what my family taught me. Just get over it!" Lance explains himself.

  
"What you're family said?" Keith scoffs, "What you're family said, Ok. So you can't form your own thoughts and opinions? Are you that-"

  
"Oh, don't! Don't try to compare me to yourself. You couldn't possibly understand! You're an orphan, Keith! You don't have anyone that cares!"

  
Keith opens his mouth to protest. Both boys take a moment to process the words that came out of Lance's mouth. Keith closes his mouth and shakes his head at the red paladin. There are tears threatening his eyelids but he wouldn't allow them to fall. Not now. Not ever.

  
"You're right, Lance." Keith whispers while biting back the tears through his lip, " _Nobody cares._ " Despite the sad tone there's still that anger boiling up that fires up Lance as well.

  
Keith turns around before rushing his way away from Lance. Lance doesn't say anything. He just watches Keith leave his vision and himself to his own thoughts. He wanted to call after to him. To tell him he was just frustrated and that he didn't mean it because he _cares about Keith._ He really does. Maybe in the same way but he doesn't know. It's just so much to handle and know and Lance doesn't know. Lance really didn't want to process the words that came out of his mouth. But, he was going to have to soon. As the rest of the members were rushing out due to the loud noises and asking for information from Lance. He was more than happy to inform, as he knew he messed up but not how severe.

  
_"Sometimes I get the feeling,_   
_She's watching over me."_

  
Keith didn't care anymore. The trust was, he simply didn't care. He had reached his breaking point a long time ago but had made the terrible decision to keep pushing. Now he was far from broken. No, he wasn't broken. He was _nothing_. You can fix broken. You can't fix nothing as he was too far gone to be helped. He knew this. He knew this and he hated it as he hated himself.

  
_"And other times I feel like I should go,_   
_And through it all."_

  
He didn't truly know what he was doing but he knew he ended up at his room. As the door closed behind him he lost all meaning of existence and feeling in his body. He simply stood in the center of his room being. Just, _being_. He was nothing more than a mix of flesh and skin and bone that did as it was told. He was _nothing_.

  
_"The rise and fall,_   
_The bodies in the streets."_

  
He wasn't aware of anything other than the hollowed out feeling in his chest and how much he despised it. If he could wish for anything he would wish for this damn feeling to leave him forever. He just wanted to _feel_ anything. Something- Anything than this dark pit of hopelessness that consumed him whole, leaving no room to breath or function as he should.

  
_"And when you're gone,_   
_We want you all to know."_

  
He didn't think, he simply did. That is typically what gets him in to most of his messes, but he cared those times and now he did not. So, he made his way to his bathroom and numbly looked for the dashing silver blade. It's color wrote promises of happiness and life against its pointed edges that drew Keith in. It's all he wanted. Life. He wanted to live. Perhaps this was the only way?

  
_"We'll carry on,_   
_We'll carry on."_

  
He didn't waste any time as he had already done that far too much. He pulled up his sleeves and sat on the floor with his back against the wall. He didn't cover or hesitate or debate with and against himself, he simply acted on his thoughts. His beautifully ruined thoughts that drew the blade dancing across his skin as it serenaded him and his thoughts.

  
_"And though you're dead and gone,_   
_Believe me."_

  
It's relief that he feels. There is no pain or sorrow or suffering with his skin opened wide for the light to see. No, there was only relief and beauty and comfort that sang him lullabies with the wind that soothed his tainted mind. The crimson color red like wine shushed his fears with a motherly like voice he couldn't help but fall in to. He was safe. He was _safe_.

  
_"Your memory will carry on,_   
_We'll carry on."_

  
He can hear footsteps rushing down the hall as his hearing is all that's left. It's not much, but it's enough. He knows they're coming and the pit inside his stomach it telling him- commanding him to panic and clean up or finish the job. But, the familiar love from the pain soothes him properly. He hadn't a need to worry. The job was already done.

  
_"And in my heart I can't contain it,_   
_The anthem won't explain it."_

 

* * *

 

_"A world that sends you reeling,_   
_From decimated dreams."_

  
Yes, you could ask the crew about the beloved black paladin, but it wouldn't be recommended. As the days went by to add up their feeling wouldn't change. They'd grieve just as much as the last and even more so the next. No, you shouldn't ask them about the black paladin.

  
Pidge would miss the connection as the connection would miss the conductors once provided. As Matt and Shiro were close Pidge felt as the younger siblings they should become close as well. There was this unsaid feeling of family between the two that never manifested as it was always there. Now all Pidge had was fading out cries and broken promises that no one truly wanted to keep as memories.

  
Hunk would miss the meaning. He would no longer have to make 7 meals as the team now consisted of 6. You'd find him on multiple occasions sub consciously making a 7th meal only to realize it was not needed. But, he wouldn't throw it away. He'd let it sit in the kitchen as he went to feed and eat along the others. Once it came time to clean up was when he'd throw away the plate of unused food.

  
Coran and Allura didn't have to be humanly informed on this part. It was sadly well known amongst the two aliens. When they had lost their planet they had lost a part of themselves as well. But, there were things they would never miss from their society. One of those things being the loss of loved ones by a poisoned mind. They thought they had outrun the minds curse when the left Altea, but it had caught a ride for the journey.

  
Shiro could be argued as the worst. He'd think back to the silly little kid the took in under his wing and taught all he knew. He had taught this kid everything he knew but he somehow forgot about the most important part- love. You could love others and that's great, but it didn't matter what you did as you couldn't love another until you had built up the love in and for yourself. Keith was his family. His responsibility. He had promised Keith he would never give up hope on Keith, and he never did. He never considered Keith would give up hope on him.

  
Lance has made mistakes before but always cleaned them up. He couldn't clean up something stained in their lives. He'd take days to look back on the moment and realize how wrong he had been and how _confused_ he was and how _guilty_. He hated making realization after the mistakes were done as he couldn't go back and fix them. Oh, did he wish to fix this one. He would earn love and support from the others that he convinced himself he didn't deserve. He didn't deserve their love and kindness. No, he didn't deserve the good things in life as they weren't made for him. He would hear them talk about how they would have to learn to live a new type of normal. That they were going down one path but came to an end, so now they were paving a new path to go down. Lance could pave this path without the black paladin. He could decorate it with colorful rocks and beautiful trees and chirping birds and all the perfect things a path should have. But, just because the path was paved didn't mean he had to walk down it. He had an option. He didn't want to walk down a path without Keith- didn't want to live a life without him. As it'd go on to prove, Lance wouldn't realize his mistakes until it was far too late to fix. He would never realize that taking his life to gain Keith's meant the death of everyone's happiness and hope. He would never realize the countless lives he changes and saved. If only he could have saved Keith's. If only he could have saved his own.

  
_"Your misery and hate will kill us all."_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this. Please go check out the original work that Galra_tin allowed me to use for inspiration and basis. 
> 
> Song Included:  
> "Welcome to the Black Parade" - My Chemical Romance


End file.
